'm gonna beat my dick like it owes me money

so much has happened since i last wrote in this. to make a long story short i moved from chicago to colorado. or will be moving to colorado tomorrow. i am currently in kansas to collect calas things. im still in love with natalie and basically still write her love letters everyday. im extremely lazy and can not wake up before it gets dark out. the beg of chicagos winter made me bored without biking so i have been covering myself with tats. i have half a sleeve, one on my lower left arm and one on my upper right arm and also my theigh so far. i currently look like this although it doesnt have any recent tats in this photograph:

up the junction by squeeze is a beautiful song that reminds me why i cant wake up till 5pm everyday. im craving something, looking for something but i dont know what it is and all i want is natalie to come back and be by my side so i can stop feeling like im going slowly insane.

i think women are fucking nuts. you always want what you cant have.

my last broad broke up with me after being in boston for two months (she cheated on me but didnt admit it). said she just didnt want to be in a relationship. but being with natalie made me the perfect gf. i let her do whatever she wanted and respected that she had more important things to do then talk to me. while she was in boston i talked to her whenever she was free. when i was with her i saw her once a week which was fucking perfect. the sex was good. (for her) and yadda yadda.

now she wants me back and i can tell. trying to see me. getting jealous and talking shit about broads i hang out with. telling me how cute i am.

i think i am staying at my parents house till friday. i might as well spend a lot of time with her before i work like a slave to get the fuck to the west.

bla bla bla my other blogs arent so forward, i like this one better.

i decieded that i am going to write in this. i keep on writing love letters to her everyday like i promised her i would when we were together..and it seems like its working, but i just dont want the world to see how i am not so strong and how i do ache everyday.

but let me fucking vent! because i cant open my mouth but hands instead

one. i cant believe shes fucking dead. it took her in a matter of two months. i wish i could of saw her one last time. said goodbye. do something. tell her she was a good godmother. i couldnt even look at him, he was so heartbroken in a way i havent seen before and never want to see again.

two. i dont want you to be ill. i dont know whats happening with you but if you died i dont know what i would do. i think you want me to be settled with my life just incase you die.

three. i am so tired of you not being with me. i am going crazy without you. i want my fucking wife back.

four. i lost my job for no fucking reason and shouldnt of quit the record store to work for that fucker. this is now going to fuck up my plans for leaving the midwest. i need to go west. i need to leave before winter. i wish i could take cala with me

five. i am so sad you are moving this month. i could barely even talk to you last night and really dont want to get lunch with you today. i have nothing to say anymore. im lost in my head. you are an amazing person an amazing friend and i will honestly miss you.

six. i cant stay here any longer but i have to. he went to jail and my bike is in his house and have no money to take a bus or train to go job hunting.

seven. we lay in bed all day and kiss. we do this everytime we are alone. but youre...straight. so you claim. but youve thought about it. just admit that you can see yourself with me. does natalie stop you? i would leave you the second i saw her but till then...]]\

eight. im going so sane that im crazy.

Inferno by James Nachtwey
Robert Frank
Shinji Nojima
Haruki Murakami
J.K. Rowling
Tomihiko Morimi

She by Saul Williams
Walden by Henry David Thoreau
On the Road by Jack Kerouac
Into the Wild by John Krakauch
Hairstyles of the Damned by Joe Meno
Candy by Miu Miu
Shakespeare by Harold Bloom
The Art of looking sideways
A heartbreaking work of staggering genius
and
How We Die by Dave Eggers
,said the shotgun to the head by Saul Williams
Girl interrupted
Go Ask Alice
what my mother doesnt know
flipped
Sark
paint me like i am
a night without armor
revolution on canvas
Between the acts-virginia woolf
c.s. lewis books
you shall know our velocity-dave eggers
death in the grizzly maze
the motorcycle diaries- che guevara
and then there were none ..
girlosophy volumes one and two
the incident of the dog in the nighttime
mermaids on the moon
e.e cummings
women by charles bukowski

into the wild
pretty woman
city of god
because i said so
the incredibles
white fang
chronicles of narnia
the devil wears prada
pans labyrinth
father of the bride 1 + 2
only you
team america
shawshank redemption
say anything
when harry met sally
v for vendetta
hair
lords of dogtown
serendipity
catch and release
war photographer
boys don't cry
taking lives
hedwig and angry inch
my neighbor totoro
the shawshank redemption
windtalkers
castle in the sky
monster

MSTRKRFT
Sebastian
Digitalism
Ed Banger Records
Kitsune
Fannypack
P-Sol
Services
Dick Dale
The Cat Empire
Ishq Bina,
Jame Brown,
Jamiriqui,
Patsy Cline
Hank Williams
the Shirelles

i also forgot to write that im completely pathetic and not over the idea of natalie. i am however over her. i couldnt comprehend that i just miss having a love like that. something so beautiful in my life, anything to make me sweet..a decent human being. i think thats why me and cala are so close, i think we both want what we use to have. i think thats why she wants me to sleep in her bed. its like being with a lover without the sex. we sleep face to face. i feel our bodies creeping closer. i wake up and message her while barely even waking at all. when i dont wake up with her she gets impatient waiting for me so she jumps on me. i should of ended this journal better then this. it sounds like im so depressed. and i honestly cant figure out if i am because for awhile i couldnt cry at all. all the times i should of cried i couldnt. watching my gf cry before we slept together for the last time didnt make me cry but only mad.
maybe i will end this when my head is clear, when i didnt have such a fucked up dream that effected my whole day. or i could just end it saying that i craved a free life for so long and now i finally have it and my only desire is to see the world and not go to college. i just want to make art on the street and nature. i want to shout and i want people to hear. and when did i devolope into a little women. although i am small as hell, i look older. these boys spoke only italian and when they couldnt speak, they put headphones in my ear and opened my beers. and sometimes when i visit this broad in indiana i walk in and i can feel our snatchs throb when we hug but we dont say anything.
so life turns and turns and turns and turns.
and i am so obsessed with that idea and im obsessed that i love it.

i havent wrote in this for months. im done with this though, im never online. so i guess ill do an update one last time.

i drift now. i moved out of timmys place because hes fucking crazy for a roommate and it just wasnt working out. i realized that i dont feel comfortable with anything that seems perminate. me and my gf amanda broke up. we had goodbye sex but i was being such an asshole that she stopped. ha im mostly at calas which is this broad i met on the bus when i was with nat and now we are obsessed with each other. she claims shes straight but i have huge doubts. her and i are going to kansas on thursday and then im going to cali on the first of aug. then moving to brooklyn on the first of jan. my life is good and i have my health and parents and that seems good enough for me.

clap.

I am overwhelmed with stress but for some reason I have such great control that I don't let it get to me. I don't have enough money for rent, jobs been shitty and no ones hiring me. Everyone says its karma because I'm such a reckless asshole.
I delated her number, I delated her gfs number. I listened to Noi Boi and didn't have that sick feeling in my stomach but instead smiled and thought about last night and how I finally did MY "lovemaking" to my gf. I thought about how I kissed her over and ove rand over again while we both said i like you so much. I thought about how I knew I missed my bus there and how I didn't care if I had to walk a 40 minute car ride or hitchhike I was determined to see her. I thought about how sad I'm gonna be when she leaves but how happy I am for her that she gets to see Boston and be with her friend.


with everything bad something good comes out of it. I found out who i am because of natalie and what i want in a relationship. natalie helped me grow up and grow stronger. although my gf wishs i was more sensitive i have this fantastic balance.

i dont like when people stalk me. some broad got my number from my resume when she saw me turn one in and was texting me. i had to tell her to leave me alone.
i guess i dont look like a lesbian but i walk like one.

NON, ENO, DAF, SPK, CTI, DOME, TG, HAAS, CVOLTAIRE, VEGA, IVENS, CARLOS, MEEK, DIE TODLICHE DORIS, GIORBINO

i have an interview at niche and his ass better fucking hire me.
short dress, bare legs..how can i go wrong?

my friend got fucked up yesterday, had to go to the hospital. if you are reading this, im coming for you when you least expect it. i made two weapons just for you and i promise i will make you not see longer then she cant.
i have a lot of rage.

i accidently called her yesterday, my phone called her actually. she calls back and i answer and we just start talking and laughing. i felt good after i got off the phone with her, i didnt miss her and i felt full. i take that back, i miss her but not as a lover but just as a friend and as a person that was so deep in my skin. i didnt understand this and i kept on dreaming about her and missing her and being sad about her. i just always wanted to make sure she was okay and happy and she really does seem so.

as for my new gf, she is WONDERFUL. shes easy going and outgoing. she leaves me alone while making love to me. i get butterflies before i see her. i get a stupid grin when i watch her. this is the easiest relationship ive ever been in. and when she goes to boston, i hope she has good experiences and still wants to be my girl when she comes back and if not, meh i dont care. ha

my thoughts are not deep and my life is sorta a wreck but i am so happy. i woke up with blood everywhere, on the sheets , a trail, on the wall. sex on your period is messy.

oh and just so i can remember, i do whatever the hell i want and i noticed when i wear heels, bare legs and short dresses i can get whatever i want.

"So yeah, like you know i think youre pretty man and like i mean i like you so uhh..i mean, you want to kick it with me? i wanna be your girl."

This is how I ask blondies to be my gf.

I gave her my typewriter so she can write a lot while shes in Boston. Thats the only thing I have and I hope she understands that this is me at my kindest moment. I really don't like being sweet, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

The house is not the same since we left it that day
Old friends seem to wonder
Our parents had cigarettes, wedding bells
While they lied at night, they lied at night.


i hope i can find a way to go to boston for those two months with her.
i think its so cute how she said the first thing she thought about when she found out she was going away was me and how she was hoping ill still be there when she gets back.
i think its pathetic how people told her i wouldnt get with her because im "too cool". how come i didnt recieve that news?

god, am i getting myself into a new relationship already? i was hoping this day wasnt gonna come for awhile. but i did give up hanging out with a hot asian and going to the bars to hit on broads just so i could sleep next to her.

alexz, you fucking slut, we best be slapping cunts before you move to cali. give me a shout? bring chuck.

im not sure why i still think about her or compare everything to her, but i do. last night was one of the first and only nights that i actually didnt dream about her but somebody else.
sometimes i get so sad that ill break down but no tears will come out of me. i ran out.
i remember the time she flushed down a bag of coke for me becauase she knew i was a recovered drug addict.
if she could see me now,
she would of reached into that toliet and grabbed it, maybe with my black ring too.

i wish i still had our engagement ring, but it should remind me how crazy she was.

My life has been interesting. My three week of chaos and timmy, binge drinking and an old addiction, loads of do-do and beauty has come to an end. This week I will have to get a job and get my shit together. This weekend my friend from South Carolina is coming with her friend (bisexual and a lesbian) i guess its better then straight broads for once.

I feel bad that I have to go out with my friend to the bar because i want to be next to her all night, I'm hoping she will still spend the night with me. It's nice to wake up next to someone you dont regret. ha

Honestly, I've been writing in my head and on the bus I have so much I want to get out through my finger tips but it hasnt been working out that way, I lose my train of thought.

last weekend wasnt how it was suppopst to be.
i got offered to move to santa cruiz in july but thats way to close to that bitch so i doubt ill go. i dont really like that idea of leaving timmy in chicago, we are knitted together.


that asian i met this weekend is calling me though, maybe ill give her a shout. i cant get enough of their ovals.

i felt like i wanted to write a lot.
i think i might actually like her.
we made love during the day.
drinking whiskey and listening to music.
you entered my room, kissing me.
i know on the train ride to my house you were debating it too.

i actually held you and kissed you when we went to bed, not caring if we had sex.
its weird for me to like somebody a little bit, but i do hope you come back to the city soon so i can wake up with those beautiful breast and blonde hair falling on your back.